The Happy-Fun Jesus Page!

CTHULHU FHTAGN!!

2011-04-29T19:13:00.000-07:00

IA!!

I just spent half an hour Photoshopping this. It turned out well, don't you think? Feel free to use it anywhere. :o)

Jesus glurge in pictures

2011-03-25T19:04:00.000-07:00

What is glurge? Many of you have probably never heard the word. You know those sickly-sweet emails you get that involve puppies, kittens, angels, little girls with disabilities, Jesus, truckers with hearts of gold, or some combination of the above? Well, that's glurge. They always have some rather sketchy moral tale to tell, it always involves angels and/or Jesus Christ, and it nearly always contains the admonition that you must forward the email to 5, 10, 15 or more of your friends if you want good luck or God's blessings.

Today, I received a glurge in pictorial form. Yes! Pictures! Because mere words are not enough to convey the message that Jesus is your Heavenly Physician, dispensing moral advice with an off-handed flippancy that would shame even the most apathetic of mortal doctors. It is GLORIOUS in its syrupy sweetness, a wonder of sugar-coated religiosity that manages to say absolutely nothing while giving the impression that you have just been handed the Keys to the Kingdom. I love this glurge, and I reproduce it here for your edification:

You might want to get those feet-holes sewn up, Jesus, if you're going to go tramping around in the sand like that.

It's the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!

2011-03-01T19:43:00.000-08:00

The cake that Brother Maynard carries!

Okay, technically, this isn't Jesus, but how could I resist it? Yes, someone has made a Holy Hand Grenade cake, and it is truly holy, indeed. Come, let us feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carps, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and cakes, and....

Avatars, free for the taking!

2011-02-22T19:53:00.000-08:00

I made a few Jesus pictures into smaller images of various sizes that can be used as avatars and signatures on message boards. Here they are:

If you use any of these, please post a link back to my blog, por favor! I'll make more as the mood takes me. :o)

BELIEVE IN CHRIST

2011-02-02T19:36:00.000-08:00

I can think of no better way to please and impress the Son of God, Commander-in-Chief of the whole universe, the dude before whom you will one day stand in terrified, pants-wetting judgment, than by wearing a Christ-inspired t-shirt in combination with a humorous, multicolored clown wig and the most stylin' beard ever! Rock on, Mr. Rainbow Hair Man! We're all believing right along with you!

Creepy alien Jesus

2011-01-21T15:40:00.000-08:00

He came the first time to save your soul. He'll come the second time to give you a rectal probe.

Funny Jesus videos by Vintage21

2011-01-12T19:11:00.000-08:00

This is a series of four short videos in which an old Jesus movie was overdubbed. They were made by a church website called Vintage21, supposedly to show what Jesus was NOT like, but I find them hilarious. The movie in its natural form must be a riot, too, and I shall have to track it down one of these days.

#1: Playing Hide and Seek

#2: Football!

#3: Sinners

#4: At the Temple

Oh, my, Jesus, what BIG TEETH you have!

2011-01-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

All the better to eat you with, my dear!

Damn, just LOOK at those chompers! Just look at that whole gigantic face! Did Jesus have Marfan's Syndrome? I am not sure what is meant by "Jesus makes a major comeback." I thought the whole point is that he hasn't come back at all, not even after 2000 years of waiting and hoping and wishing upon many, many stars.

Long-overdue update!

2011-01-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

Jesus Christ, it's been AGES since I posted any Jesusy pictures! Well, I am here to rectify that. There are always more to go around.

First up is......THE BANANA SAVIOR!! Some lucky, lucky person was blessed with a visitation from Jesus in the form of America's most popular fruit.

Now, I am sure you are all aware of Ray Comfort's opinion on the banana. He thinks it is God's greatest gift to the universe, and the atheist's worst nightmare. For those of you who just evolved out of your caves, watch this video in which Ray actually CAUSES PEOPLE TO BECOME ATHEISTS because he is so bloody stupid:

It was really hard to find a copy of the original broadcast, due to the hundreds and hundreds of other videos that mercilessly taunt these two brain-damaged fools. Look how Kirk Cameron just sits there with an idiotic grin. Was he drugged before filming this? Ah, well, without morons like him, websites like mine could not exist!

Big Butter Jesus has burned to the ground

2010-06-15T13:39:00.000-07:00

Yes, Big Butter Jesus, also known as Touchdown Jesus, is gone forever. He was struck by lightning, which somehow bypassed entire neighborhoods full of titty bars, porno shops, and drive-through beer marts just to target our poor beleaguered hand-carved savior . Ah, well, God works in mysterious ways, I guess.

For those who don't know, Touchdown Jesus was a gigantic statue in Cincinnati, Ohio. He stood over 60 feet tall and got his nickname because his arms were raised as if he just scored a touchdown. He also became known as Big Butter Jesus after Heywood Banks made this song:

And here's the news coverage of the event:

Let's all observe a moment of silence for Big Butter Jesus, the best Jesus statue ever built. :'o(

Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus!

2009-12-23T09:51:00.001-08:00

When everyone else was bringing you gold, frankincense, and myrrh, Santa brought you cool stuff like toy trains, candy, and a new Playstation!

Chocolate Jesus

2009-11-30T08:10:00.000-08:00

I've just discovered the wonderful world of Tom Waits, who sings like the late, great Satchmo Armstrong. Sounds like he's gargling nails, it's amazing! Here is his song about Chocolate Jesus, the only candy that can keep a man satisfied.

Here are the lyrics.

McSavior

2009-05-11T09:42:00.000-07:00

Somehow, I don't think this latest ad campaign is going to work.

HAPPY EASTER, SUNSHINE!

2009-04-12T20:00:00.001-07:00

Hope you had a gay old time!

Teh Ceiling Cat's Prayer

2009-04-08T10:14:00.000-07:00

No Jesus today, but I did make a lolcat version of the Lord's Prayer and thought it was cute so it's going here.

Ar Ceiling Cat
who ar in teh Ceiling,
hallow b thy naem.
ur catdom kum,
ur will b dun
on Urf as it ar in hebben.
Gib us dis day ar cheezburgers naow, plz!
an 4giv us ar cookie eatin
as we 4giv those who eated ar cookiez
and don' lead us to bad thingz
but delibber us frm teh Basement Cat.
4 urs is teh catdom, an teh powr, and teh noms
4evar and evar. AMEN!

I think they're missing the point.

2009-04-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

I was browsing Google for Jesus pictures, and I found this drawing at a Christian site with coloring book pages you can download and print for the kiddies. So I picked this one, colored it in GIMP, added the captions, and this is the punishment you get for letting people download your coloring book pages.

Freaky Faces

2009-03-28T15:16:00.000-07:00

It's a Jesus face! Made out of people! Found it here. And then there's this one, from another optical illusions site:

It takes a great deal of imagination to come up with something like this, and an even great amount of drugs--or maybe this is what happens when an artist is high on the Holy Spirit, who knows?

More Velvety-Soft Jesusness

2009-03-12T11:09:00.000-07:00

It is amazing what one can find on the Internet. I had no idea velvet paintings were still in vogue. They were an invention of the 1960s and '70s, when LSD abuse fried people's brains and convinced them that painting on velvet was a really good idea, and I figured they'd gone the way of love-ins and love beads. But no, they're still around, and still being ridiculed for the bad art that they really are.

I found these two at a place called the Official Bad Art Museum of Art; specifically, this page.

The first one is by "Saul," the second one is by "E". Saul was too embarrassed to include his last name, and E was too embarrassed to include anything but an initial. It is easy to see why. This is how you earn extra time in purgatory, folks

Janet Galore, however, who proudly and unashamedly put her name to her Jesus of Peeps creation, should be forced to spend eternity eating the horrid things. If you're going to make bad Jesus art, at least make sure it is recognizable as the sweet and delectable Son of God and not, say, the Virgin Mary in a burka. Two Almighty Thumbs down for you, Janet!

Elvis Christ are your savior

2009-03-12T10:25:00.000-07:00

Velvet Elvis and Velvet Jesus, together in one FANTABULOUS painting! Sure, they look somber here, but you know they're up in heaven right now, screaming out a rendition of "Jail House Rock" to shake the stars from the heavens, which the book of Revelation assures us can be done! A Google search gives no clue about the artist of this fuzzy, yet imminently holy, work of art. If anyone knows more, let me know.

Even the great Weird Al Yankovic has a soft spot for the King: check out his song, "Velvet Elvis," on YouTube. Not sure about his opinion on the King of Kings, but if he saw this velvet painting, I'm sure his heart would melt and he'd make a funny song about it immediately. Al is just that kind of guy.

Who's your buddy?

2009-03-12T10:04:00.000-07:00

Why, Jesus is your buddy, of course! Buddy Christ made his first appearance in the movie, "Dogma," and is available as a dashboard statue or bobblehead doll to keep you company on your travels. A Google search of "Buddy Christ" reveals an endless parade of smiling, thumbs-upping, Jesii offering you spiritual encouragement in the form of posters, t-shirts, action figures, tattoos, and bearded guys in costumes. Buy one today! Well, not the bearded guys, I don't think they're for sale.

Fresh goes better with Jesus

2009-03-11T23:30:00.000-07:00

Stayin' fresh and stayin' cool with Jesus, fresh and full of life! The only question is, does he fizz gloriously when you put him in Diet Coke?

I can has Jeezis naow?

2009-03-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

It's always the last place you look.

Cue 1970s Sex Music

2009-03-11T13:37:00.000-07:00

*chicka-wakka-chicka-wakka-chicka-chicka-bow-bow....*

Just LOOK at this guy! I want to run my fingers through those soft, wavy tresses, gaze deep into those gorgeous, pearl-gray eyes, and beg him to take communion with me. RIGHT THERE ON THE ALTAR.

Can't see the signature too well, but it looks like Russ Docken. Russ, thank you for making a horny skeptic really happy. If you're ever in town, I'll buy you a bottle of Savior-approved wine.

A Very Special Jesus

2009-03-11T09:57:00.000-07:00

"Listen, guys, there are a few things about me I never told you. I don't think this should end our friendship. I mean, we got a great thing going here, me and you 12 men...handsome, strong, virile men....where was I? Right, the makeup and dress. Look, I Just like the feel of soft, lacy fabric against my naked skin, and I enjoy getting in touch with my feminine side. I'd like to chat more, but there's a Roman soldier I have to meet. I promised I'd show him the mysteries of God, if you get my meaning."

Awesomesauce Jesus

2009-03-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

If there is anything more awesome than Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus, then I would like to know what the bloody hell it is. The Gospels might be more interesting with a Jesus like this! Plus, just think of the movie possibilities, with Jake Gyllenhaal in the title role. Shirtless at some point, of course.

Jesus cartoons

2009-03-11T09:22:00.001-07:00

Well, have you? Don't think this is something you can wait to decide at the last minute. Jesus is waiting for you with outstretched arms, at the gym, right now, to help you do ab crunches effectively and to spot you at the weight bench. Don't let another day go by with flabby biceps and weak glutes--accept Jesus Christ into your training program today!

Go ahead, Jesus, you know you want to! And at this point, you've got nothing to lose!

i'm in ur message board, lol!

2009-03-10T22:23:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple of images that I lovingly Photoshopinated for use on message boards everywhere. Please, use them, abuse them, distribute them free to family, friends, and enemies.

Okay, technically they're Gimpinated, since I'm too poor for Photoshop and only have GIMP, but anyway, here they are. Oh, and be sure and do a Google image search of "Jesus hates." You'll find an ark-load of images, some hilarious, some disturbing, some of which will inevitably wind up here.

The people responsible have been sacked...

2009-03-10T22:16:00.000-07:00

In the magazine editing and publishing business, it's very important to pay attention to the juxtaposition of the ads on a page. Otherwise, you could end up with an embarrassing situation such as this one, and your boss won't take kindly to the influx of complaints from offended Christian readers who might be tempted to cancel their subscriptions. We wouldn't want that, now, would we?

Guns-n-Ammo Jesus

2009-03-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

It seems like Jesus and guns go together like communion wine and flavorless crackers! I have found many Guns-n-Jesus pics on the Interwebtubes, and these are just a few. I am not sure where these originated, as they can be found on many sites all over the place, so unfortunately I don't know whom to credit for the Photoshoppery. At any rate, it seems fitting to pair the Savior of the Universe with a variety of modern weapons, given that Christian history is one of violence and bloodshed, not only towards outsiders but towards each other. Killing for Christ has always been considered an option in dealing with those who disagree. "I come not to bring peace, but a 50-caliber sniper rifle."

The Freakiest Jesus of them all

2009-03-10T20:46:00.000-07:00

His eyes are closed...or are they? This is one Jesus that I would NOT want to have anywhere in the house. He looks like the walking dead--which, I suppose, is fitting for a guy said to have come back to life after being dead long enough to start stinking. Yuck! I have been unable to find the name of the artist for this piece. This is a shame, for I like to ascribe credit--or blame--wherever it is due.

Knock knock!

2009-03-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

Who's there? Jesus, that's who! Looks like he couldn't have come at a worse time. According to the text, we are supposed to happily throw the door open when Jesus comes a-knockin'. So why does everyone in the picture look so glum? You'd think they'd be glad to have Jesus as a house guest, even if he wasn't invited. Little Tommy, in his abnormally-creased, brown polyester slacks, seems to be saying, "Sorry, Jesus, Mom says I can't come out and play until after dinner." Dad's pissed because he just got home from work and just wants to relax and read the damned paper in peace for a few minutes, Mom is wondering if she made enough mashed potatoes and meatloaf to feed six, and the two girls are probably worried that it's that creepy Mr. Carson from down the street, who has a reputation for, um, touching little children.

Another chilling scenario is that Jesus has come specifically for Tommy. The boy is his new chosen disciple, and as Tommy walks out the door to greet his master, unable to resist the siren call of Jesus' mind-control, his family knows that they will never see him again. Oh, well, one less mouth to feed, and now Sarah can have her own bedroom.

This was scanned from a children's book that attempted to illustrate the concept of "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Unfortunately, they took it WAY too literally, and any little kids reading it are going to imagine a long-haired, bearded Jew in a white robe coming to their house at dinnertime one day. I also have to note that Jesus' shepherd's crook is too small, probably because the artist didn't know its function--it is designed to pull sheep out of briers, ditches, or wherever it is that a sheep can get stuck, or to grab an errant animal and pull it back into the flock. Jesus could use his to maybe yank a fig off a tree branch--or as a fighting staff when he's practicing his martial arts. (He is an expert at Christ-fu.)