Freaky Faces

It's a Jesus face! Made out of people! Found it here. And then there's this one, from another optical illusions site:



It takes a great deal of imagination to come up with something like this, and an even great amount of drugs--or maybe this is what happens when an artist is high on the Holy Spirit, who knows?

More Velvety-Soft Jesusness

It is amazing what one can find on the Internet. I had no idea velvet paintings were still in vogue. They were an invention of the 1960s and '70s, when LSD abuse fried people's brains and convinced them that painting on velvet was a really good idea, and I figured they'd gone the way of love-ins and love beads. But no, they're still around, and still being ridiculed for the bad art that they really are.

I found these two at a place called the Official Bad Art Museum of Art; specifically, this page.




The first one is by "Saul," the second one is by "E". Saul was too embarrassed to include his last name, and E was too embarrassed to include anything but an initial. It is easy to see why. This is how you earn extra time in purgatory, folks

Janet Galore, however, who proudly and unashamedly put her name to her Jesus of Peeps creation, should be forced to spend eternity eating the horrid things. If you're going to make bad Jesus art, at least make sure it is recognizable as the sweet and delectable Son of God and not, say, the Virgin Mary in a burka. Two Almighty Thumbs down for you, Janet!

Elvis Christ are your savior

Velvet Elvis and Velvet Jesus, together in one FANTABULOUS painting! Sure, they look somber here, but you know they're up in heaven right now, screaming out a rendition of "Jail House Rock" to shake the stars from the heavens, which the book of Revelation assures us can be done! A Google search gives no clue about the artist of this fuzzy, yet imminently holy, work of art. If anyone knows more, let me know.

Even the great Weird Al Yankovic has a soft spot for the King: check out his song, "Velvet Elvis," on YouTube. Not sure about his opinion on the King of Kings, but if he saw this velvet painting, I'm sure his heart would melt and he'd make a funny song about it immediately. Al is just that kind of guy.

Who's your buddy?

Why, Jesus is your buddy, of course! Buddy Christ made his first appearance in the movie, "Dogma," and is available as a dashboard statue or bobblehead doll to keep you company on your travels. A Google search of "Buddy Christ" reveals an endless parade of smiling, thumbs-upping, Jesii offering you spiritual encouragement in the form of posters, t-shirts, action figures, tattoos, and bearded guys in costumes. Buy one today! Well, not the bearded guys, I don't think they're for sale.

Fresh goes better with Jesus

Stayin' fresh and stayin' cool with Jesus, fresh and full of life! The only question is, does he fizz gloriously when you put him in Diet Coke?

I can has Jeezis naow?

It's always the last place you look.

*Cue 1970s Sex Music*

*chicka-wakka-chicka-wakka-chicka-chicka-bow-bow....*



Just LOOK at this guy! I want to run my fingers through those soft, wavy tresses, gaze deep into those gorgeous, pearl-gray eyes, and beg him to take communion with me. RIGHT THERE ON THE ALTAR.

Can't see the signature too well, but it looks like Russ Docken. Russ, thank you for making a horny skeptic really happy. If you're ever in town, I'll buy you a bottle of Savior-approved wine.

A Very Special Jesus

"Listen, guys, there are a few things about me I never told you. I don't think this should end our friendship. I mean, we got a great thing going here, me and you 12 men...handsome, strong, virile men....where was I? Right, the makeup and dress. Look, I Just like the feel of soft, lacy fabric against my naked skin, and I enjoy getting in touch with my feminine side. I'd like to chat more, but there's a Roman soldier I have to meet. I promised I'd show him the mysteries of God, if you get my meaning."

Awesomesauce Jesus

If there is anything more awesome than Cyborg Pirate Ninja Jesus, then I would like to know what the bloody hell it is. The Gospels might be more interesting with a Jesus like this! Plus, just think of the movie possibilities, with Jake Gyllenhaal in the title role. Shirtless at some point, of course.

Jesus cartoons

Well, have you? Don't think this is something you can wait to decide at the last minute. Jesus is waiting for you with outstretched arms, at the gym, right now, to help you do ab crunches effectively and to spot you at the weight bench. Don't let another day go by with flabby biceps and weak glutes--accept Jesus Christ into your training program today!



Go ahead, Jesus, you know you want to! And at this point, you've got nothing to lose!

i'm in ur message board, lol!

Here are a couple of images that I lovingly Photoshopinated for use on message boards everywhere. Please, use them, abuse them, distribute them free to family, friends, and enemies.

Okay, technically they're Gimpinated, since I'm too poor for Photoshop and only have GIMP, but anyway, here they are. Oh, and be sure and do a Google image search of "Jesus hates." You'll find an ark-load of images, some hilarious, some disturbing, some of which will inevitably wind up here.

The people responsible have been sacked...

In the magazine editing and publishing business, it's very important to pay attention to the juxtaposition of the ads on a page. Otherwise, you could end up with an embarrassing situation such as this one, and your boss won't take kindly to the influx of complaints from offended Christian readers who might be tempted to cancel their subscriptions. We wouldn't want that, now, would we?

Guns-n-Ammo Jesus

It seems like Jesus and guns go together like communion wine and flavorless crackers! I have found many Guns-n-Jesus pics on the Interwebtubes, and these are just a few. I am not sure where these originated, as they can be found on many sites all over the place, so unfortunately I don't know whom to credit for the Photoshoppery. At any rate, it seems fitting to pair the Savior of the Universe with a variety of modern weapons, given that Christian history is one of violence and bloodshed, not only towards outsiders but towards each other. Killing for Christ has always been considered an option in dealing with those who disagree. "I come not to bring peace, but a 50-caliber sniper rifle."

The Freakiest Jesus of them all

His eyes are closed...or are they? This is one Jesus that I would NOT want to have anywhere in the house. He looks like the walking dead--which, I suppose, is fitting for a guy said to have come back to life after being dead long enough to start stinking. Yuck! I have been unable to find the name of the artist for this piece. This is a shame, for I like to ascribe credit--or blame--wherever it is due.

Knock knock!

Who's there? Jesus, that's who! Looks like he couldn't have come at a worse time. According to the text, we are supposed to happily throw the door open when Jesus comes a-knockin'. So why does everyone in the picture look so glum? You'd think they'd be glad to have Jesus as a house guest, even if he wasn't invited. Little Tommy, in his abnormally-creased, brown polyester slacks, seems to be saying, "Sorry, Jesus, Mom says I can't come out and play until after dinner." Dad's pissed because he just got home from work and just wants to relax and read the damned paper in peace for a few minutes, Mom is wondering if she made enough mashed potatoes and meatloaf to feed six, and the two girls are probably worried that it's that creepy Mr. Carson from down the street, who has a reputation for, um, touching little children.

Another chilling scenario is that Jesus has come specifically for Tommy. The boy is his new chosen disciple, and as Tommy walks out the door to greet his master, unable to resist the siren call of Jesus' mind-control, his family knows that they will never see him again. Oh, well, one less mouth to feed, and now Sarah can have her own bedroom.

This was scanned from a children's book that attempted to illustrate the concept of "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Unfortunately, they took it WAY too literally, and any little kids reading it are going to imagine a long-haired, bearded Jew in a white robe coming to their house at dinnertime one day. I also have to note that Jesus' shepherd's crook is too small, probably because the artist didn't know its function--it is designed to pull sheep out of briers, ditches, or wherever it is that a sheep can get stuck, or to grab an errant animal and pull it back into the flock. Jesus could use his to maybe yank a fig off a tree branch--or as a fighting staff when he's practicing his martial arts. (He is an expert at Christ-fu.)